Why responsibility feels different to everyone

Two words I hear all the time: motivation and accountability.

From customers, readers, and people who want to get healthier but can’t.

Although they sound simple, both are actually… complicated.

When someone says, « I just need more accountability, » what that really means can vary widely.

• Sometimes it’s about systems and structure.
• Sometimes it’s about being clear about their goals and how to achieve them.
• And sometimes it’s about how we personally live up to expectations—both of ourselves and of others.

Why no « system » fits all

If you have ever read books like Atomic habits by James Clear, The force of habit by Charles Duhigg, or Switching by Chip and Dan Heath, you know there are many frameworks for understanding behavior.

After 15 years of coaching, here’s what I’ve learned:

None of these systems are flawless. None of them fully captures how complex people are.

But that’s not the point. Each one is a lens. A new perspective that helps us see our habits and struggles differently.

And when you’re stuck, sometimes that’s exactly what you need: a fresh perspective that gives you a new way to approach things.

Enter the four trends

A few years ago, our entire coaching staff was reading ​The four trends​ by Gretchen Rubin and provided some really key insights that we’ve incorporated into our coaching program and how we think about helping people ever since.

The basic concept is this: people respond to internal and external expectations differently. By figuring out which expectations you thrive on and which you struggle with, you can work on it with your natural tendencies instead of fighting against them.

The most common trend we see is The Obliger.

Obligees are the glue of a team or family. They meet external expectations (deadlines, commitments, helping others) but resist internal such (self-care, personal goals, boundaries).

Sound familiar?

If you’ve ever said:

“I know what I have to do… but I can’t seem to do it i,”

…you might be in that group.

One of our customers described it perfectly:

“I feel like every bit of energy is spent surviving my workday, meeting the needs of my family, helping with the needs of others… there is too little self-care and prioritization in my life at this point.

I know I’m causing my own situation. I am wired to engage with things, to participate, to want to be needed, valued and recognized. But that comes at a price. The demands of other people or things leave little for me.’

That’s the Obliger experience in a nutshell.

And let me be clear, this is not about weakness or lack of will.

In fact, obligees do SO MUCH.

The problem is that they often sacrifice their own goals to help others, which can lead to health problems in the long run.

How we help obligees succeed

At Nerd Fitness Coaching, we help obligees by providing three key supports: external reporting, dialing mode adjustments, and tracking wins as they accumulate to reinforce and reward their progress.

Here’s how you can translate them into your own practice:

• A coach or training buddy who checks in and celebrates wins with you
• Checklist or ​tracking system​ which makes your progress visible
• Construction of a ​Dial mode​ – i.e. plan for different types of days so you can adjust accordingly and avoid burnout
• Reframing goals as something that benefits others—ie. « I exercise to have more energy for my children. »

As you will notice, some of them are approx outsourcing your accountability.

Here’s another fun tactic: write a letter from your future self to your current self, thanking you for showing up. This is exactly what clicked for my client Gina. When things got hectic, writing this letter made her feel responsible to her future self (in a good way!). This simple change helped her stay consistent during a chaotic month.

The Hidden Danger: Burnout and the « Pause Button »

Obligors often take on too much.

They juggle a million competing expectations—deadlines, family, colleagues, community.

And when things get too tough, they tend to hit the big red pause button on SOME of them.

« I just can’t handle it all right now. I’ll get back to it later. »

Totally understandable. And it’s actually an act of self-preservation. They CANNOT go 100 mph.

We often see people in this scenario trying to cut off all these external expectations in hopes that they will finally have time to focus on themselves later.

It sounds logical, but it usually backfires.

Because the Indebted actually I’m thriving with some form of external accountability.

So the key is not to eliminate expectations. That’s a yes curator them.

Here are some counterintuitive questions I like to ask to do just that:

What are the benefits of NOT going towards goal X right now?

And what are the consequences of continuing to move towards it?

By flipping the old pros/cons list, we can get a lot of clarity on what you like!

A big picture to take home

Motivation and accountability are not universal.

Understanding your « tendency » gives you a new lens—and using tools specific to your needs increases your chances of long-term success.

If you want to see where you’ll land, you can take Gretchen’s free quiz here -> ​https://gretchenrubin.com/quiz/the-four-tendencies-quiz/​

Let me know what trend you have! (I’m a questioner! 🙋‍♂️)

– Matt

PS Fun Fact: ~60% of people who we work with at Nerd Fitness Coaching identify as Obliged. Everyone’s needs are different, which is why we design coaching around it younot general motivation hacks. If this sounds like the kind of structure you’ve been missing, I’d love to talk to you. Just hit reply on this email. ❤️